Part of my job as a chaplain is to visit patients in the hospital. During a recent round I came upon Emil (not his real name), who was recovering from surgery to repair multiple injuries sustained as a result of a serious car accident.

Over the course of several days, he rebuffed attempts to talk about whether he wanted to complete an advance directive for his medical record with the hospital. “God will tell me when I need one” was his response. I would then shift topic and we would talk sports, or whatever else he was interested in sharing. His wife happened to be there on the last of these conversations.  She intervened to say she wanted him to have one, so she would know what to do in case something ever happened to him. After further resistance, I asked him why he was fighting the need to complete an advance directive.

Only then did he reveal that he had been his father’s healthcare agent and six months prior to his accident, he had had to fulfill his father’s wishes and “pull the plug”. In his mind he had killed his father and he didn’t want to burden his wife with that same kind of decision. This was a struggle he had not even been able to share with his wife. I stayed with him for a while, and told him that what he had shown was the greatest love and respect by fulfilling his father’s wish, and his responsibility as his father’s health care agent.

Later that day, his wife stopped to tell me that both she and her husband had completed their advance directives. The next time I saw them, the tension between them and within Emil himself had evaporated. They had achieved the peace of mind that only advance care planning can bring. They were “At Ease”.

Don Andler, Chaplain
Advocate Good Shepherd Hospital, Barrington, IL

My father died at the end of May, 2013 at the age of 95.   He lived a life that took him to all the places he wanted to go, and do all the things he wanted to do. It was a very peaceful death for all of us.  He had thought through what he wanted at the end of his life, and how he wanted to die.  I would like to share our family story, and how this came to be.

In my parent’s early 60’s, my mom and dad wrote their will, Power of Attorney and Power of Attorney for Healthcare.  At the time there wasn’t much information about leaving instructions to your children on the care you wanted, or how you wanted to live the last weeks or days of your life. However, my mother had seen a letter in the newspaper which had been written by a parent to his/her children about this very topic.  My mother copied the letter on her typewriter, edited it to fit her situation, signed it, had it notarized and included it with her will. Dad copied the same letter and put it in with his will.

After Mom died at 87, we realized how important that paper had been in helping us fulfill Mom’s last wishes.  Mom had a sudden stroke and could not talk or communicate.  Her stroke came as a surprise, and we weren’t thinking clearly.  However, Mom had told us what she wanted in case something like this happened.  It was a comfort to all of us that Mom had shared this, because we did not have to guess at this difficult time.

On Thanksgiving Day in 2011, six years after Mom died, I came to the dreaded conclusion that Dad could no longer take care of himself in the home that he and Mom had built together.  Dad was not taking his medicine, was eating only one meal a day, and was unable to keep his house clean.  Dad lived on the Outer Banks of North Carolina, and did not want to leave the place where he had so many friends.  My brothers and I lived in Illinois and Massachusetts.

We realized we needed to find a new place for dad, and the house was put up for sale.  His possessions were sold or distributed amongst children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.  We found a great place for dad to live – it was beautiful and the people caring for him were wonderful.  We all felt much better.  I became the Executor of his Estate, and managed everything from Illinois.

Eight years after my mom died, my dad passed away peacefully in his bed at the assisted living home.  The beauty of it was that dad and I had talked so much  since Mom died that I really understood what he wanted and was able to fulfill his wishes.  What’s even more special was that my brothers and I did not have one argument about anything related to caring for Dad, or his estate and its distribution because he had clearly outlined everything along the way.

As the Executor, I did not wonder about what I should or should not do. However, there were times I did doubt whether or not there was more I could do for him –  I would then go back to the documents he had written and everything would become clear again.

I know first hand how special this was. I am a Clinical Psychologist and have had many people come to me because of family conflict around caring for someone at end-of-life and the confusion and pain it can cause when people disagree about medical and estate matters. I am so very grateful for what Mom and Dad did for us in their last hours on this planet.  It created a great sense of peace amongst the four siblings as we moved forward because our parents had advance directives in place.

I have already completed my advance directives and shared them with my children. Have you completed this very important communication with those you love and who love you?

Dr. Barbara Grace, PhD, Psychologist, Family Therapist, End of Life Coach, Spiritual Advisor
Barrington Resident 45 years

Four years ago my mother died from cancer. During her illness, we gathered as a family and talked about what was important to her and how she wanted care to proceed during her final days. At the time we didn’t have the benefit of any kind of guiding document to help us, but she was clear in her conversations, and we were able to fulfill her wishes at her death.

My father is 82 years old, and although he is in very good health, I know things could suddenly change. Through my work, I was made aware of the Be@Ease campaign and was introduced to the Five Wishes advance directive planning tool. After reading the document, I realized I needed to have a conversation with my Dad and begin the process of having him complete one for himself. Over the Christmas holiday I found the courage to broach the topic of completing his advance directives. I explained to him that I didn’t want to talk about his estate or the inevitability of his death, but I did want to have the same comfort we experienced with my mother’s death. He surprised me by admitting to feeling the same way – not wanting to talk about his death, but relieved to be able to start sharing with family his thoughts and desires for his final days.

My experience with my own Dad spurred me to invite members of Be@Ease to come and present to my friends and colleagues. I know many us have parents who are aging, and this is an issue we all need to address within our families. I encourage everyone to take advantage of the resources provided through the Be@Ease website to help in addressing this important issue.

Alexandra Bernardi
North Barrington